granny panties & mesh underwear

I wrote about giant bras. Now it’s time the giant panties got a little ink (so to speak.)

I have an amazing husband.

How amazing?

Well…

Last week I sent him on an errand to buy… granny panties.

Yep.

See, since he works in civilization where one can buy things and stuff, and since I needed underwear to wear post-birth, I thought it would be simple for him to pick up a package of Hanes or Fruit of the Loom or whatever brand of big, ol’, ugly, hideous underwear he could find.

I was wrong.

Momderwear

Allow me to explain.

First…

Why granny panties?

Well, I had heard that I would appreciate the high-waisted support of said panties as well as the roomy nature following the birth and in light of all the craziness that happens “down there.” Makes sense.

By the way, this type of underwear is apparently known as “Momderwear.” This valuable information was imparted to me by fellow islander and Twitter friend Sara Jensen. When I tweeted about sending Bob to shop for granny panties for me, her tweet back read:

“Those are called momderwear. you have officially crossed over to the dark side of under garments”

So true.

Bob’s disturbing lunchtime adventure

Bob calls me on his lunch break.

“So what did you need? You need me to buy you some underwear?”

I hesitate. Should I really send him on this quest? Is this really a smart thing to do? I need them. And they don’t have them on the island. And the clock is ticking. So…

“If that’s okay with you,” I respond. “If you have time.” And then, “They’re the big and ugly kind.”

He’s game.

His client is in the financial district, so we’re limited to the stores that are in that area. Stores like Macy’s, Marshall’s, Ross and Walgreens. No Target. It’s my thought that a drugstore would be more likely to carry the hideous granny panties than Macy’s.

So Bob’s first stop is Walgreens and calls me from the store.

“They have some with something called ‘tummy control’.”

“No, no! Nothing with Lycra! Nothing with Lycra!”

“Okay.”

“They have to be 100% cotton. It’s all about comfort. 100% cotton!”

“Okaaaay…” he says with that tone that he’s afraid of further upsetting the crazy pregnant woman.

You’d think that Walgreens would be THE place to find momderwear, right? Wrong.

“There’s another Walgreens closer to my hotel that’s much bigger than this one. I’ll go there,” he calmly suggests.

“You don’t have to,” I say. Already feeling bad for this crazy mission I’ve sent him on in his already busy day.

But he’s determined to find these undies for me. So he goes to the bigger Walgreens closer to his hotel. Strike 2.

His third stop is Ross. I’m not holding my breath.

He calls me to tell me that not only can he not find the mythical granny panties, but he feels really creepy perusing the women’s lingerie section.

This makes me laugh. I can just see it. Poor Bob. What have I made him do? I’m awful. I sent my husband to buy me the ugliest underwear known to woman and now instead of feeling like my hero (for acquiring the object of my desire) he feels like a big ol’ perv.

I suggest he ask someone for help.

“Tell them you’re shopping for post-birth underwear for your wife,” I say. Hoping that they have to have something.

Strike 3.

“Never mind,” I say. “Let’s just forget it. Thank you for trying. I’m sorry. I’ll just order them or something.”

That’s true love, right? A man who is willing to shop for giant underwear for his pregnant wife? It is in my book.

See? He’s amazing.

Mesh underwear

So I still haven’t acquired any granny panties. I  just haven’t gotten around to ordering any. So if anyone has any suggestions for the most comfy brands, please comment below!

Now… I’ve been told that the hospital provides mesh underwear for new moms. Why mesh? I have no idea. Some friends have said they love them and others say they hated them. I’m not sure how I’ll feel. I can’t even picture them. Every time I try, quiver with fear. Perhaps because the word “mesh” makes me think of wire. And ouch.

But seriously, this is now the least of my worries. Why? Well… I’m 2 days away from my due date.

Two days.

Bob will be home tomorrow at 10 AM.

My hospital bag is packed.

And I’m just hoping I’ll know when to go to the mainland.

The  end.

(for now)

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9 Responses

  1. You are basically begging for me to bring back huge panties for you. I just need your size, or what you think it will be (this can be in a private email, the underwear size).

  2. talk about LOLing….I just pictured the whole thing….that Bob, what a guy….

    you know…..F.H. Drug may have just what your looking for….they have nylons and socks etc….
    xoxo J

    • Believe it or not, I already checked FH Drug and no dice. They did have Fruit of the Loom boy shorts and I bought those… but they’re not really what I’m looking for.

  3. I just laughed so, so hard and boy oh boy I needed that tonight. I was so infatuated with the meshies from my first labor that when I prepared for a home birth, I had laboring pals sneak out stolen pairs with their newborns. Mesh fits the mondo-sized pads like no other. And, who doesn’t mind throwing away a mesh panty or two? It just might be the only time in your life when wearing disposable panties is not only acceptable, but smiled upon and halfway normal. When, normal in a post partum world that is. Poor Bob. The things he knows…

    • Yay! I hope I like the mesh undies because that would really simplify things.

  4. Someone asked what a doula was. It’s part of a song; something about camptown races doula doula.
    Want to share what you sent your stepfather to the store for?

  5. Have your mom knit you some underwear. I’m sure you can get some cotton yarn somewhere!!

    • Ha! That’s so funny. I bet she would. She’s a mean knitting machine!

  6. In England they are called “Granny Bashers”

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