the house built too close to the water

Sunday it hits me. Hormones.

Tears.

The feeling of “I can’t do this anymore” coupled with “But I don’t want to complain because I know things could be so much worse.”

I’m missing Bob. Missing our together time. Feeling alone.

Feeling like it’s always going to be this way and I can’t handle it… and then feeling guilty about having those feelings.

I’m supposed to be strong.

I’m supposed to be resilient.

I’m not supposed to complain.

Talking to Bob would help. He’s been so busy and I haven’t had any time to even connect with him over the phone. At least. So he calls me from Midway Airport. He has about two hours before his flight from Chicago back to San Francisco. Uninterrupted talking time. Good.

That’s when it bubbles up. Everything. And I go from zero to sobbing.

A few days before I had updated my Facebook status to say that I was crying at everything like a proper pregnant woman.

I cried when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. Not just cried. Sobbed.

I cried watching So You Think You Can Dance as though I personally knew each contestant.

I cried when Pablo wouldn’t stop barking…

My friend Steffi said that in Germany they have a saying about this crying all the time thing… something like “Your house is built close to the water.” Steffi, is that right? What is it in German?

So, yes, my house was built very close to the water… too close. If not in the water. On stilts. Fragile, termite-ridden stilts.

Bob just listens. As best he can. Because at times he can’t understand my blubbering. He sweetly says, “I’m sorry, honey… but I couldn’t understand that last thing you said.” Sometimes I would repeat myself. Slower. Less blubber. Other times I would just charge onward in my rant. I was on a roll.

I never get to see you

I’m all alone

Nobody knows what it’s like

I have this baby growing every day and I’m uncomfortable and just want to be taken care of… but that’s never going to happen again

I can’t keep doing this

I miss you too much

I miss my family

I miss our friends

I miss being a part of something

My writing career is over

How will I write again with a baby

There’s no time to make anything of myself

How will I be able to contribute to our family financially

I’m just so sad

I’m all alone. I’m all alone. I’m all alone!

You get the drift.

I blubber. The more I blubber, the more dramatic I get. The more it spirals out of control and just turns into sobs.

And Bob just listens. Nothing to fix. Only to hear and get. I get it out. I calm down. Then we talk.

Saying most of it out loud has me realize how ridiculous it is. How there’s always another way of looking at things. And how with Bob’s love and partnership, I will never be alone.

Physically alone is different. Physically alone can be challenging. Especially on an island. But that is just my challenge. As a guest told me at work the other day when I was checking them in, “We all have our problems.”

Feeling guilty about my reaction to our circumstances doesn’t help either. That sob/blubber fest is just something I needed to go through. Like I said,

Get. It. Out.

And it feels good. So much better. Bob helps so much by just listening. By not telling me NOT to feel that way. By not offering a solution. By just listening. And attempting to understand. Things are put into perspective.

And the next morning I am able to return the favor. I awake clear headed and have the opportunity to listen to Bob as he gets some things off his chest.

We work that way. Thankfully.

“That’s partnership,” says Bob.

Just two days later, my friend Ellen arrives at the island for a visit and I am no longer physically alone. Her visit came at the absolute perfect moment.

She’s gone now. And Bob comes home tomorrow for 29 hours.

We’ve been apart for two weeks.

I cannot wait to see him.

I cannot wait to show him my belly so he can see how much our baby has grown

I cannot wait to kiss him and hug him

I cannot wait for him to talk to my belly

to read to the baby

to massage my feet (ahhhhh)

We have our birth class on Orcas Island tomorrow and then Aunt Deb will be here for a visit. Yay!

Just when I can’t handle being in the house alone for another minute, people show up to remind me I’m never really alone.

And it helps move my house away from the water.

(Steffi, my lovely German friend, you will have to tell me if I’m butchering that phrase. I apologize if I am.)

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7 Responses

  1. Steph,

    I get it…and thanks for getting it all out in the blog.

    All of it might be ripe for one big juicy college. Who knows what might transpire from that. Can you tell I’m reviewing the Wisdom Course. 🙂

    Love you!

    Nina

  2. The German saying is “nah am Wasser gebaut zu sein”, literally “to be built near [to/along] the water”. Isn’t that such a great, telling, expressive saying?

    I’m not pregnant, but I have always been too nah am Wasser gebaut 🙂

    Blessings to you all 🙂

    • I really love that saying. Thanks for the German. Now if only I could pronounce it.

  3. Hey lovely,
    I feel for you. Please let me know if I can do something. It helps me sometimes to distance myself from the hormone induced emotions (i.e. crazy bitch mood), by simply repeating that this is a physical reaction, like sneezing, like a headache….
    Mein Haus ist heute zu nahe am Wasser gebaut – is the phrase – my house is built too close to the water today. You may also like: Sie hat viel Holz vorm Haus – she has a lot of wood in front of her house (big breasts;). Or – Sie baut an – she is adding on (pregnant). Alright, that last one I made up.
    Love,
    Steffi

    • Oooh, Sie hat viel Holz vorm Haus indeed! Or should it be Mein hat viel Holz vorm Haus? I love you, Steffi. Danke always for your wisdom and sense of humor!

  4. If you say it about yourself: Ich hab viel Holz vorm Haus, but this is more something the guys say about you behind your back, giggle, giggle, 13 year old boys that is….
    Thank you for being in my life.

  5. Steph,
    You are bringing back memories that I forgot about. What I remember more than anything around 8 months, I could not wait to have a flat stomach once again! I was so big (like you! are you sure there is only one in there??!!) I thought I would burst if I didn’t deliver soon.
    Hang in there.
    Sorry I can’t think of any Polish saying to make you feel better!

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