a tale of two boobs

WARNING: This post is about breasts. And NOT in a sexy way.

I was prepared for this. I knew my breasts would grow to grotesque proportions. I’m pregnant after all. And I began this journey already well-endowed. We’re talking 34DD. A number that took me a long time to embrace.

For years I suffered under the false notion that I wore a nice C cup. Until one day in my twenties when I went bra shopping with my mom. She was my gopher as I stood in the evil fluorescent light and 3-way mirror trying to wrangle my mammaries. Watching this freak show, Mom just looked at me and shook her head.

“Oh, hon,” she said. “You’re not a C-cup anymore. Let me get you some D-cups to try.”

I was mortified. D? D?! But Mom was right. I wasn’t a C-cup anymore. It wasn’t until a friend opened a lingerie store in Chicago (Trousseau) and actually measured me that I learned I was actually a Double D. And life got a lot more comfortable after that. At least, my breasts did.

That was about 11 years ago.

For the last 11 years I’ve remained a 34DD or 36D as bra insiders know. They’re pretty much the same. Anyway… what I used to be is not the point of this post. It’s what I’ve become. I thought it was hard finding 34DD bras. Ha. Ha. Ha. Joke is now on me.

For the last couple of weeks I have been squeezing into my bras… the couple that have stretched enough to accommodate my new pregnant boobs. And at the end of the day, I’m in such pain from being stuffed into a too-small bra. I have lines around my cleavage and rib cage. Like chalk outlines on a crime scene. Pain.

SO… yesterday Bob and I went off-island so that I could finally buy new bras. So that I could stop complaining. And actually breathe again. We boarded the 8:05 ferry (which was no small challenge considering Daylight Savings) and drove to the nearest store that would have reasonably priced bras for my size.

I wandered the many rows of bras in the JC Penney lingerie section a bit dazed while Bob went off to find reinforcements. He returned with a bra specialist who recommended that I not buy nursing bras yet as I would only grow out of them once I start producing milk. (I did warn you.)

I explained how I needed something stat. No underwire.

Underwire + massively massive pregnancy breasts = pain.

The bra specialist measures me and though I have only gone up one cup size, it sounds so much worse. Triple D. DDD. Three Ds.

DDD

When I was a kid I was afraid of my mom’s giant bras. Their sheer size frightened me. They seemed alien. Like they lived their ownΒ  life in the top dresser drawer. My brother Tommy was even more afraid of these bras than I was. And I loved nothing more than freaking Tommy out. (I was not the nicest big sister.)

So, to freak out Tommy I would put my mom’s giant bras on over my clothes and chase him around the house.

“Ooooooooooh…. giant scary bra is coming to get you!!”

Looking back I can see that there was something wrong with this. And I can see how I might have damaged Tommy for life. Sorry, Tommy. (And sorry, Mom, for outing your scary bras. But you’ll get your pay back in just a minute. I promise.)

Back to my story. After scouring the lingerie section for the mythical DDD bra, my bra specialist had to call in her own reinforcements. Not enough DDD bras to be found. Especially not 34DDD. Between the three of us (Bob had smartly opted out at this point… he was hanging out in the corner with his iPhone) we found only about four bras for me to try. I ended up buying two.

Rather than attempt to describe these bras. I will allow the very sight of them to do the work. Again, warning. The sight of these bras might cause loss of appetite, fear of breasts in general and uncontrollable fits of laughter…

I did warn you.

It should be noted that both of these bras give me torpedo boobs. Can you see that? The cups that come to a point more appropriate for the set of Mad Men than a small town on an island.

And I’m only 5 months along. It’s only going to get worse.

Or way more awesome. Depends on your perspective. The senior bra specialist told me that I surely will not be able to find my nursing bras in the store and will therefore have to order them online. Given that nobody stocks my size.

“Just wait,” she said smirking, “They’re gonna get sooo much bigger.”

Awesome.

What will ‘so much bigger’ mean? E? F? G? LMNOP?

Here’s the thing, though. It’s impossible to shop for bras online. Impossible. How do you know if they fit right? If they feel right? What will I do?

(If anyone out there has any suggestions for maternity/nursing bras for a gal like me, please please please share your tips in the comments below.)

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22 Responses

  1. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time. The visual of you chasing your brother with your mom’s bras will stay in my memory for awhile! Classic. I think you’re starting a new fashion trend, underwear on the outside.

  2. Thanks for the post. I love how candid and comfortable you are. Unfortunately I can’t help or advise you in this particular situation as I am on the opposite end of the spectrum with my barely three dimensional, gravity defying, boobs. If you should ever desire to donate to those in need, look me up. πŸ˜‰

  3. Let me just say this…I breastfed…twins…you cannot imagine how gigantic two boobs can get. Trust me.

  4. Steph
    I never got even near that size carrying TWO!!!!!!

    • I guess I’ll have to check with Aunt Susie then. Are you or are you not a Weinert for goodness sake?!

      • maybe I take after the Weinert males????

  5. I’m pretty sure the word “bazongas” was created for the state in which you now find yourself. And I don’t mean Washington.
    The story or the pictures – I don’t know which I love more πŸ™‚

    • I believe you’re correct, Cece. Bazongas. I’m adopting that word into my vocabulary starting… now. Thanks!

  6. As a female who’s giant boobs traumatized me so much i actually had a breast reduction 10 yrs ago, the one thing that scares me to death about getting pregnant is the return of giant boobs. They’ve already grown to a C-cup after being a comfortable 36-B after surgery, and i have to say this did nothing to quell my fears. You have now thoroughly frightened me.

  7. Steph, Steph, Steph…OMG! You crack me up. I loved your post and laughed my head off because I remember being in your shoes like it was yesterday. Let me just tell you, I, like you, wear a dbl D on a normal day. In my peak of pregnancy…dbl G’s. My college roommate, Karen had a field day with this knowledge. Every time we spoke on the phone, or saw one another, her greeting was: “Oh geez”… It’s a fun thing to laugh about. After the boys were born and I fed them at the same time…I sat marveling at the fact that my boobs were bigger than my babies heads. I think I even took pictures of that. During that time they are really more of a tool than a sexual turn on for your man. πŸ™‚ Good news is they become somewhat normal again over time…Well, as normal as they can, considering a child has sucked on them several times a day for several months. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the afternoon giggle. I loved it! XO

    • Hey Kimmer! GG, huh? Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up there. Though, who am I kidding. I’m sure every day I’ll be surprised. It’s one thing to expect these changes and another to actually have them happen. I think the boob that’s bigger than a baby’s head is really evidence of that.

      Thanks for reading and for your comment. I’m glad I made you laugh!

    • omg Kim that is so funny. I was i the same boat as you two with my daughter. I just remember walking around nekid holding my boobs up so they could air out. geez that’s scary!

  8. Steph…you are such a crackup…you brought a smile and hugh laugh to my day. But as far as wearing torpedo bras…I think Madonna beat you to that. And far as bra on the outside of your clothes…I think I remember a couple alzheimers pt that attempted that move. Absolutely love and miss you…keep it up…love the humor. Now that you mention it, I was kind of scared of my mom’s bras too.

  9. I was afraid of my mom’s gigantic bras too! And why do they only usually only come in beige, white and black? I haven’t had children yet but the big boobs (okay at age 30, not so great at age 60, I’ve seen it!) is one of the side effects that scares me. I’m a new reader of your blog- heard about your other blog on “The Story” and found this blog through it. I look forward more funny pregnancy stories!

    • Liz,

      Why do they only come in beige, white and black? Good question. It feels like discrimination. Like only “normal”-breasted women get to have pretty bras.

      Bras for D + women are apparently viewed more as ‘over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders’ than ‘intimates.’

      (Now I have the Otto Titsling song from Beaches in my head.)

  10. Hey Steph,

    I think Ridonkulous would also be appropriate. How great is it that the only thing you have to worry about with your pregnancy is ginormous bazoongas! I think some commentary from Bob would also be interesting. Is he as upset as you are?

    Love the pics, keep em coming!

    • How great is it that the only thing I have to worry about in my pregnancy is ginormous bazoongas?! Really great. Really, really great. I’m totally grateful.

      I think Bob is steering clear of this boob commentary. What’s to fear? Or he’s just working far too hard to have time to comment about bras and scary boobs.

  11. wow, melanie’s comment (above) is EXACTLY like my own experience!

    Before breast-reduction: 38DD
    After breast-reduction: 36C (C!! I never imagined it was possible!!)
    Yep, they took 1.5 lbs off of EACH boob. Glory hallelujah.

    I’m back up to a 36D now, but I’ll gladly have the surgery again if/when I have children and the suckers expand even more.

    SIGH. It’s no fun at either end of the boob-spectrum, I think.

  12. Hello from Oklahoma! I was listening to your story on NPR on the way home from an exhausting day at work & I kid you not..I started crying. Pathetic, right? But your story really struck home with me. While we’ve never had enough money to be depressed without it, I could relate to doing without luxuries in life. And, of course, the call after call from horrid collection agencies. What made me cry was the love I could hear between you two. Being broke is so hard on marriage. Everyone always says that love goes out the window when it comes to money..or something to that effect..and I’d always think not us! But it’s so been us. Anywayyyy…thank you for sharing your story. It gave me hope & made me incredibly happy.

    And about the boob issue. Okay..I was a 36C in high school & only thought they were big then. After having & nursing 3 children..the 3rd I’m still nursing currently…they have grown to epic proportions. And I do mean EPIC. I’m currently wearing a 38F and have some spill over issues from time to time. My cups runneth over…
    Bravado nursing bras are wonderful. Avoid motherhood nursing bras all together. They run ridiculously small & will just make you feel like a cow with ginormous utters.
    And forget about finding a pretty nursing bra. They don’t exist in our size. Like that matters when they’re stained with breastmilk anyhow.

    • Hi Vanessa!
      First of all, No… it’s not pathetic that you started crying. If you read my blog “Love in the Time of Foreclosure” you’ll see how much I cry. A lot. I really appreciate your comment and am so glad that our story gave you hope and made you happy. I couldn’t ask for a better response. It also reminds me of how fortunate we truly are.

      And yes…. about the boobs… I just learned that DDD is the same as F. So I’m already at a 34 F. I am fully expecting the EPIC. Thank you so much for the tip about avoiding motherhood bras. I’ve heard good things about Bravado. Now I just have to track them down.

      (by the way, your last comment about the breast milk made me laugh!)

  13. I am in no way upset by this miracle. I embrace it… ummm. them! ; ^ )

  14. Ok so I listened to your radio broadcast on my way home from work yesterday and I loved it. We are in the midst of short selling our home (going on month 10) and I hate it. But your interview made me happy. And then I found your blog and then this boob post. Now I just adore you! We have two kids (3 yr old boy, 1 yr old girl) and my “gallies” are not what they used to be! πŸ™‚ I am a big fan of anyone who can make a boob post so witty!

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